Musings on Labor Day Weekend

Well, I made it through another Labor Day Weekend. This one was a little different, though. Thirty-one years ago on Labor Day Weekend my father died. He was 57 years and three weeks old. He had a massive heart attack while training for a swim meet. He was physically fit and a very competitive swimmer in his age group. His birthday was August 13 and mine August 12. As of this Labor Day Weekend I have lived longer than my dad. The tragedy and heartbreak of that day 31 years ago was only compounded by the fact that the happiest and most exhilarating day of my life occurred three weeks prior, on August 8, 1978, when my beautiful son, my first child, was born.

Once the shock and the feeling that dad left us too soon faded a bit, I began to think about dad's life. He certainly crammed a lot into those 57 short years. He and my mother nurtured two children to responsible adulthood, and saw his first grandchild. All of us should do so well. In my mind I see his smile and his clear blue eyes, taking the early flight off this planet, saying "My work here is done," turning the reins over to a new generation. He was never cut out to be an old man; it just didn't fit him.

When you lose a parent at a young age you think "I wonder if I will croak that young?" I made it this far so I need not ponder that point any longer. What's eating at me is have I let life get in the way of living? Oh, I have done a lot, including raising five wonderful children. But you always wonder about missed opportunities and things that you didn't do. Working hard to meet other people's expectations while allowing your own expectations for your life slip through your fingers. I have outlived my dad, at least chronologically. Now it's my turn to add to the fullness of life; to measure life in accomplishments instead of years. Even failed attempts at new endeavors add to the experience. It's all gravy from here on out.

About nine years ago my wife told me "You're not the husband I expected; You're not the husband I wanted." This was a surprise as well as a deep hurt to me. I have spent the last nine years attempting to live up to her expectations. I must be a slow learner. I have found that once you give up your own personal expectations and try to live by expectations defined by someone else, you will go no where. I found that no matter how hard I tried to measure up, I failed. Even when I met her expectations, those expectations changed, and I would fail in her eyes. I will not blame her. To thine own self be true, as Shakespeare said. I am the one that failed to set my own life goals and work toward achieving those goals. But now, I will no longer be measured by another person's ruler. I will determine my own life expectations and measure my own success. I fully intend to set my expectations higher than others would set for me, and those expectations will be more relevant to my own life. No matter if I have 30 or more years to tread this earth or 30 more minutes, success will be measured with my ruler from this day forward.